Why These Dishwashing Gloves Made Me Ugly Cry

I started to write a photo caption and realized I could write an entire blog post about these dishwashing gloves. (I promise it’s not your usual product endorsement, but they are great!) For each Postpartum Doula client I support, I have a pair of dishwashing gloves I leave at their house for bottles & pump parts. If I’m there daily, they stay folded over the edge of the wash basin or sink. When I’m there just a few times a week, they live under the sink. I have all different colors, all with ruffles! I bring a pair to my first shift, and then 4 weeks, or 12 weeks, or 6 months later I take them home at the end of my final shift with the family.

The last family to see these blue gloves, moved out of state a few days after my final shift at the end of October. We had supported them since we met them during pregnancy in January. Two of our incredible Birth Doulas walked beside them for months leading up to their baby boy’s birth. I worked both day and overnight shifts with them for 4.5 months as their Postpartum Doula. We watched them grow into confident parenting pros and the most fun family of 3! We poured love into them and kept their household running smoothly so they could enjoy their baby and reconnect with each other. We laughed together, cried together and became so close! When I left that last shift, I held it together until I tucked these gloves into my bag to leave.

I choked back a lump in my throat as my client hugged me with one arm and the (now big) baby on her hip in the kitchen. I promised her and myself I wouldn’t cry until I got to my car.

As I walked down the sidewalk, I heard her call my name. She ran out with tears streaming down her face to get a real hug with both arms. I squeezed her so hard and told her they were doing great and were going to be just fine without me, but I would miss her so much. As soon as she went inside, I looked over at these gloves in my bag and I wept in my car.

When I first became a Postpartum Doula years ago, we were often taught to “work ourselves out of a job”. We were supposed to be instilling confidence in new parents and setting them up to be able to handle things without us- and we do! However, I also started noticing that a lot of our clients hire us because American or Western life is so individualistic and they’re longing for the “village” that was meant to help. We fill in the gaps and stand in the spaces left by loss, distance, and the chaos of daily life. Sometimes, the village is just one Postpartum Doula who puts you to bed, takes the baby monitor and washes bottles in your dark kitchen so everyone gets a night of real sleep.

She’s the one who talks to you about who you were before you were a Mom, while you pump at 2am. She steadies your shaking hands as you bathe your tiny baby for the very first time. She dries your tears while you nurse with 2 hands and 6 pillows. She folds your postpartum panties and leaves you words of affirmation taped to your breast pump. She preps the formula and labels everything in the fridge. She starts the coffee pot at 5am before she leaves.

You drop your shoulders and tell her how glad you are to see her when she comes in and slips her shoes off at the door. You relax when she’s there, because this is SO hard and you knew it would be, but “how do people do it without help?”.

I learned a long time ago, that we can do both. We can instill confidence and also stay with a family as long as they need us. We trust them to tell us when they’re ready to do it on their own. We don’t decide for them at 4 weeks or 6 weeks or 3 months that they shouldn’t need help anymore. We attune and we listen. We fill in the gaps and support the whole family in the unique ways that make sense for them.

Sometimes we only work one shift with a family and never touch a sink of bottles, because they just needed an afternoon of help. Sometimes we leave after months of a seamless routine and cry because we don’t want to say goodbye. Every family I support holds a special place in my heart and so do these ruffled dishwashing gloves. They’re a reminder that our time with new families is temporary, but it’s also sacred.

What Does a Postpartum Doula Do?

Sometimes Postpartum Doulas themselves struggle to explain what they do, why their support matters and what it looks like. The most common answers include something like “emotional support, baby care and light housekeeping”, but that doesn’t come close to what Postpartum Doula support feels like. It doesn’t explain what makes us different from a night nanny or a newborn care specialist. It isn’t as easy to put into words as Birth Doula support, but it’s just as important if not moreso.

Postpartum Doulas build relationships with their clients and families. They get into the heart work that parenting a new baby is and come alongside families as they adjust and learn their babies. When emotions are raw and recovery from birth is hard, when no one is sleeping and roles have changed overnight, our Postpartum Doulas ease anxiety and instill confidence.

Do we sometimes do light housekeeping or assemble baby gear? Absolutely, but it doesn’t look like a chore list when we come in the door. It looks a lot like the attuning we do emotionally and anticipating the needs of everyone in the family. It looks like helping a new dad feel confident with baby wearing, so we strap on the Lille carrier and he wears a giant pickle jar while the baby naps. If I’m at an overnight shift and everyone is sleeping, I’ll look around the kitchen and see what needs to be done before I head in to rest myself. If I know trash day is Wednesday, I’ll empty diaper pails on Tuesday night after everyone is settled. If I see there are towels in the dryer, I’ll fold them while the bottle warmer runs it’s 4 minute cycle and then feed the baby. If it’s a day shift and I notice the same linens on my client’s bed from last week, I’ll strip the bed and put fresh sheets on while we talk and she feeds the baby. Some of the deepest heart-to-heart conversations I have with clients happen while we both fold baby clothes on the couch or they have a bite to eat while I wash bottles and pump parts. Often it’s holding a tiny baby, so her parents can shower or have a nap at the end of our shift together.

Sometimes a client will ask me to look at the baby's latch or help with breastfeeding positions, so I will, but once they’re settled and feeding I don’t go off in search of chores to do. I’ll climb up in the bed with them or sit on the floor next to their chair, to ask the important questions…”What do you feel like you’re doing really well this week?...What are you struggling with the most with this week?...How is communication going with your partner right now?...How is big sister/brother adjusting to the new baby?...What can I do to help you feel at peace today?” Then I listen, without judgment and we truly connect.

We fill in the household gaps and help to create routines that fit each family, but we also open dialogue about hard things and validate feelings. We teach parents how to be the expert in their baby and trust their instincts. We guide them to learn their baby’s cues and feel just as capable as we are. Postpartum Doulas foster relationships, but we also foster rest, healing, and bonding. We create a safe place where tears can flow, parents can truly enjoy their babies and confidence grows with each visit. 

Schedule your phone consultation today to see how our Postpartum Doulas can support you. 

#TBT to 2012: My "Why" for Doula Work

“Through that surgery and the life-threatening complications that followed, I learned what truly nonjudgmental support can do for healing.”

Today marks the start of World Doula Week, where we focus on the work doulas do to improve the social, emotional, physiological and psychological wellbeing of whole families. From pregnancy, to birth and then to the postpartum period, doulas take care of their clients. For most doulas, it feels like a calling or a passion that sparks a career. It takes a heart of service and usually a story about why we decided to become a doula. My story started one way and had a pretty big plot twist.

I became a doula in 2010 because I loved studying everything about pregnancy, birth and babies in college. My “why” was a passion for everything I was learning about birth and babies in my undergrad internship at a birth center in Denton and a natural ability to support others. I was the person who my friends and family came to for advice about pregnancy, birth and breastfeeding and it felt like a natural career choice.

Here comes the real #TBT though…back to 2012. I had been a doula for 2 years and was working as a newborn nanny. I had a car accident and herniated two discs in my back worse than I knew. After a night in the ER for pain and subsequently losing the feeling in my legs and ability to walk altogether, I was admitted to the hospital. For 5 days, I laid in a hospital bed not knowing if I would walk again or if the pain in my back would ever go away. My mom and roommate (turned rock star postpartum doula), Samantha were there with me when the spine surgeon came in to tell us a 360 2-level spinal fusion was my option to regain function in my legs.

Through that surgery and the life-threatening complications that followed, I learned what truly nonjudgmental support can do for healing. For 37 days in the hospital, my mom, my friends and my nurses and doctors safeguarded my dignity, listened to my fears, reassured me and respected my wishes. They trusted me to make the best decisions for myself. Shoutout to all of the nurses on the med-surg unit at Texas Health Presbyterian Flower Mound. I had nurses lift me into wheelchairs and hold me on toilets and in showers, so I didn’t have to use a bed pan and could bathe myself. I had a certified nursing assistant French braid my hair because it had been a knotted mess for days. My mom listened and got me every snack I wanted when I cried and cursed in pain and frustration. She held my hair when I got sick and patted my leg when neither of us had the words to describe how scared we were. She put on a gown and mask to be there while they placed a picc line in ICU, never leaving my side. Samantha held my hand all night, so I could sleep through the hallucinations from my pain pump and helped me laugh again…and again. My surgeons fixed my spine and then went on to save my life. They answered every question, gave me a realistic idea of my new normal and had my back, literally and figuratively. 

I went into doula work because I loved birth and babies, but I’m still in doula work because I now know the difference nonjudgmental support can make. I remember how I was treated through one of the most intense experiences of my life and I want to give that same level of care to each of my clients. When you’re at your most vulnerable, you deserve the very best support and that’s my “why” as a doula.